Demented and Degrading

There's something changing in me. I dunno if that's a positive change or a negative one but it sure is disturbing and difficult to deal with. I am troubled. You know what they say, the more you age the wiser you become. I think, in my case, that's a total reverse.

I used to be this clear-visioned, bold, courageous, optimistic, hopeful and energized person. I knew what was to be done and how. Never in my life I found myself confused when it came to my actions, my role, my character even in the most trivial of circumstances and even that of others'. I knew the difference between the good and the bad guys. I never needed to be motivated. I was never scared of being wrong. I believed in giving things a try, and didn't worry about the consequences. To me, life has been a war, a 'now or never' thing, a 'do or die' situation. And hence, I didn't hesitate in being the 'now do-er'. My goal was to make the most out of the difficulties life spun towards me, if not all. Save whatever I could whenever storm would hit and never regret what was lost. I used to think that Allah intended it that way. And Allah loves me more than anyone in this whole wide world could. It was never my place to be held responsible for the losses or gains. They were the part of life, the circumstances, my taqdeer. And who has control over taqdeer? Allah has. So all my actions; good or bad would ultimately be authorized to Allah SWT's will. I didn't take any credit for doing any kindness neither I would die of guilt when I had been rude as long as 'all was well' because I believed that 'All's well that ends well'.

Now, my thinking is blurred. I don't know my place, my standing on things. I feel drained out of confidence and courage. Hopefulness and optimism seem no different than living in a fool's paradise. I am confused and delusional. Delusional of other people's intentions, giving them the benefit of doubt isn't always the right thing to do... and that's what I do. I find it easier to blame everything on myself than others but with my flame-throwing device (read: my tongue) taking misdirected shots at few others who I know will take my crap or are weaker than me. But in my heart, I know, it's me. And that's hauntingly disturbing, it feeds on my self-esteem. I fear being wrong and the consequences that could be perpetuated because of my faulty decisions. But these two are not the only things that scare me, I am scared of the 'process' of getting to an end, even if it's a happy ending. I don't have any energy left in me. I have lost my interest in few of the things that were the axis of my life. I don't get into the 'take the charge mode' even with a lot of excitation. What's more troubling is that with these few of my positive characteristic traits subsided, my follies have become more pronounced and adverse. Yes, I still have all of them and a few new ones have extended the list a little more. I am still the same impatient, easy-to-lose head, lazy, impulsive, disobedient,  idealistic kid. With time, I have crossed the danger ranges of procrastination and anger, so much so that I have become practically self-destructive. I have lost my focus. I am distracted too easily since I am not motivated to do things that I am supposed to do. Rather, I distract myself. Just recently, I have come to a realization that I am an utterly materialistic hypocrite and a selfish person, which is heart tearing. Since these are the things that I despise the most. But I am them. May be I have been that all my life and have been foolish enough to not being able to recognize myself. Which again is a core blunder since I have always thought of myself as a wise person which now I know, I am not. I have never been. Had I been, I hadn't been all this that I am now.

I am not happy with myself. Life has improved, things have changed a lot. Allah has given me a lot. And I have always found Him on my side, but I have lost my interest in playing this game. I have lost my interest in surviving or saving. I am a weak, lazy and selfish being. I dun love Him SWT. The problem is with me. 'I' am the problem with myself. How do I improve when I dun feel like improving? When I have no energy for that? How do I get out of this when I dun feel like putting any effort into nothing literally nothing in my life? I feel like letting myself  keep rolling down this bottomless pit of self-destruction of both worlds. Though, I am aware of the fact that I need to stop. Whether I will or I will not, I don't know. I just don't know.