16th April 2013,
PST: 3 : 30 PM

Lying lazily on bed pretending listening to the discussion my Mother, my Aunts and my Nanu were having. While actually not giving the tiniest of thought to what they were talking about.

Inside My Head:

Voice 1:  How very boring it's today. *yawns* Missed Eye's such an important Lecture. I wonder what Professor Waseem taught today? Cataract? Some other topic of Conjunctiva? He taught Trachoma last time. You like his lectures...if only...

Voice 2: Get up you lazy cow, offer Namaz!

Voice 1: You missed Fajr! You don't like getting into a set of incomplete work....

Voice 2: And who's fault was that?! Who went to bed by 4 in the morning?

Voice 1: Actually! Maaz's.

Voice 2:  huh?

Voice 1: C'mon, you can't seriously be suggesting that it was her fault? Her brother falls badly sick, she rushed him to the ER with her mother, stayed there whole night even though she's had a tiring day at school, returned home by 3 in the morning, you can't possibly be suggesting that she didn't need to rest?

Voice 2: She could have stayed up a little more, she'd have gotten Fajr then. Her brother needed her. It was her duty. It wasn't as if she doing him some favor. Plus, didn't she need to thank Allah for making his brother's condition better? He wasn't doing well, he could have gotten more sick, no? Rest? What rest? After all she did follow the news on Boston bombings for good half an hour. And another piece on Cheating Mafia in Sindh! Guess, she wasn't THAT tired.

Voice 1: Psh! She wasn't actively following it. She was just lazily lying in front of the T.V. Listening to that ONLY because her Nanu was concerned about one of her cousins and her kids' khariat, being living there.

Voice 2: Well she could have just "lied lazily in front of the T.V" till Fajr too. She has a record of staying up. She didn't sleep 40 hours straight for her exams, didn't she? Also, forget about Fajr what's her excuse now?! GET UP! YOU'RE SUCH A DISGRACE. You're just lying there. What kind of a Muslim are you?! Time for Zuhr is running...

Voice 1: Your heart is as black as night. Poor her.
 
(I get up and perform wudu intending to offer Fard rakaat only)

On my way back, I spot a set of stereo headphones.

Voice 1: Ooo! There's the cure to your ultimate boredom! You have new songs from Passenger's Album! 

Voice 2: First, you pray.

Voice 1: You do know, it's not worth it, you've already missed Fajr.

Voice 2: Then you shall repent.

PST: 3 : 40 PM

I offer Fard. Then I start praying, "Rabbana zalamna anfusana wa illam taghfirlana watarhamna lanakunanna minal khasireen"....  (Translation: Our Lord ! we have sinned against ourselves and unless You grant us forgiveness and bestow Your mercy upon us ,we shall most certainly be lost.) 
 
And I don't know why it was as if I knew no other du'a than this one. I kept saying it again. And again. And again. Picturing all of the sins that I have done and I knew I did them. I was tearful. I was embarrassed. I felt low. But I felt protected. I felt light...I felt accepted. Like SO many times before....


Just then, I felt it, the floor under me was shaking crazy. It took me a while to understand what it was. And as soon as I got what it was, I sprang to my feet and ran to get to the others in the next room. (Which btw has given me a painful back now.)

"It's an earthquake!"

The buildings in the area were evacuated. The cars parked in the street were felt jolting. We stayed there for good 20 mins. Then, it was all back to normal.

Update

Just when you thought the dawn might break any moment, you're pushed into another wave of thickened darkness. So black that it's suffocating. What am I going to do about it? Nothing, zilch, zero, sifar, shunnay. :) Yep, that's right. Let the mayhem begin!

I am done. Practically done. And I feel sorry for all those who have any hopes associated with me. If I get out alive, it'll be Allah's mercy. I have changed. So leave me alone because I have started on with the shunting process. Take care.

To The Unfair People! Of The Unfair World!

Unfair People Of the Unfair World! I am already having a fairly tough time living my life. I have been quiet swarmed up with extra Kafi Kuch *air quotes* for past couple of years. I've come to know that I have upsetted many of you but it was never my intention. Plus, why are you upset anyway? I never knew I was expected to do something. That some of you apparently cared? Really? Make me believe that. I do what I do selflessly but I refuse to be disrespected. Why on earth am I considered a wise being? Treated differently than most people my age? Suddenly a very important person? Do you want me to list my complains? The section 332 of PPC, which is fairly applicable on what you have been doing, to me, to us, all my life?

It's difficult for me to break free from what's happening in my life and inside my head. From how I have been feeling. From how to deal with all of this all at once. YOU should understand. But you won't like always and I am not gonna ask anyone. Because I know you, it's useless. What I will do is hang my head in obedience, put aside my self respect and try my best at detaching from my sufferings that you NEVER acknowledged and give it one more shot. One more try to patch things up which only survived because of my feeble efforts and are ruined because of you. Because unlike you I fear God. And yes I can't help but care about you all. But after that, I am done. Because, I can't go any further than this.

Khaali dimaagh Shaytaan ka ghar...

For a lot of time, I have been trying to think of ways to avenge my van driver's brutalities against my harmless existence but I keep forgetting about them until every morning. I have found myself and my van mates very creative when it comes to inventing names. So like good girls, we'd never argue with our respected-when-present van uncles but would coin them fitting referrals based on their 'characteristical' attributes.

I remember, two years back, we had a van wala who used to wear that freddy-like cap, so we referred to him (amongst ourselves of course) as Uncle Nightmare. Then, there was this other driver who had serious staring problems - he was rightfully labelled as Uncle Taardhoo the other day .There was also an uncle who was as little as Lord Farquaad of Shrek - I dunno why but soon he was entitled as Habibi. May be that had something to do with his Shaikh style goatee. So yes, that's kind of our tradition. Now, I do remember some of us discussing what could we call the second last one, while lamenting his brutalities against us, amongst ourselves - the unarmed students. 0:) I guess, that thought evaporated everybody's mind not just mine. But one day, I managed to ink it before it could disappear into nothingness. I thought, we could call the deadly commando - the Spartan King of Today. Uncle Spartan must have been either a court martialled fauji or a reincarnated punctual Nazi or may be he was simply possessed by some grudging gora spirit. He could have been a desi version of  Robocop too, as everything he did was so calculated and accurate that there was no chance of him failing to achieve his target. For him success was 'getting to college the earliest'. And people who messed with his target, like, posed potential threats in his way to success (Stop pointing your fingers at me! What about Sana, eh?) were either tagged as 'shout-ats' or preferably 'leave-them-at-their-doorsteps' aka 'make-them-miss-their-school' types by none other than our very own furious Uncle Spartan. And, yes, I have been pretty much honored as being tagged as both. :P He was also ultra sensitive about how his vehicle got treated. Now, you must have gotten the hint that Commando Sahab was VERY serious about time .....I mean he was NEVER late, not even a minute - he could come early but NEVER late. And I shall stop here -- I don't know, if this pretty controlled description has entered into the forbidden Territory of Gheebat. Hence, I'll just let it evaporate. :)

For Granted

Below is a conversation that took place between me and a friend of mine just recently.

Me (whining): It's so hot these days, I'd rather get bald and not just get rid of the length of my hair. 

La Friend: And may be then we'll give your hair to the Cancer patients who have had Chemo.

 And that goes for everything not just hair.

Lymphoma

When defenses have been weakened enough to serve as a route of propagation of infection. And body's done putting up the fight with the invaders, and has been fiddled for too long, so much so that it has turned  against its own tissues and cells. But the patient has hope of survival and the condition even though painful and worrisome, is treatable. The cure is available, but it is a difficult one. The one that involves some of the tissues of the body to die at the moment. These cells and tissues, though very important and very useful, are now the ones causing the treatment to be delayed and the disease to progress. Is it not wise to get rid of them for the time being?

Right now, my head is empty. I am beginning to believe that there are things in life which most definitely do not have any solution. Though change is the only constant in life. It's not necessary that all of it is good. Or even if it's good in a broader sense, it's not necessary that one's comfortable with what's happening at the time when it's happening. The only thing that could be done is waiting it out, and see if all ends up well or not. Sometimes, there are solutions that are extraordinarily out of your character and you can't get yourself to put them into action, even when they're the only way out. Properly put, the sense of goodness stops you from stooping. But what's the use of such goodness when it's getting you nowhere? When instead of taking any positive effect on someone else it makes the challenges more difficult, almost impossible to survive for you? What's to be done when the choice is between the character and life? Not just yours but everyone who you love? It's easier to decide something for one's self but when there are many people involved, how can one impose this sense of righteousness to let the misery continue? When it could be inhibited by just being a little selfish and a little bad. Nobody's perfect and we can always repent in the end, can't we? Right?

What is the word to define the loss and apathy towards living? When you have seemingly everything waiting in front of you and you only have to step forward to grab them but you just can't help yourself to them? Depression? Cowardice? Weakness? Death? I keep thinking it isn't mere hopelessness and lost confidence. Or lost interest. It's 'giving up' rather 'Haar Daina' i.e accepting defeat without even trying. Because, when the purpose of life becomes too hard to hold on to, the best option is to let go. The older me would refer to this as the 'Clearance Time' - The sluggish time when my system gets rid of the toxins of the negative atmosphere that I dwell in. But it has been too long, I have been inactive and toxin-ful. Apparently, my exhausted mitochondrias have abandoned me off my energy currency. Now I know how Superman feels when kryptonite exhausts him off his powers. And that's exactly what I feel like. Melodramatically. :P The ups and downs of this life have wrecked me beyond repair. I am dreadful, I know, it dreads me too. :P

But it's useless dreading when I am not ready to fix anything. I remember reading somewhere that the open you are about your life and your thoughts, the better is your psychological status and the stable you are emotionally. And I have found it true, all my life, that has always helped me keep my thoughts in check. But now, it has become difficult, not because I'm having evil thoughts :P But because I feel stupid while doing that. I feel dependent and as if I've lost my authority and connection to myself in the process. I am an honest person, and I pretty much tend to register every single thread of thoughts when I decide to share, without much censoring, it's okay since the usual audience to my thoughtful stunts are few trusted ones. But now I realize that I let the other person's perceptions and ideas occupy me. I let them judge me. Influence me. I misplace my angle of observation to fall in sync with the rest. Which just means that I am gullible and my opinions are not dependable that way. Also, now I find myself scared of being judged and ashamed of publicizing the atrocities of life with simply everyone who's not through them. Hence, I've decided not to. Ever.

What makes it worst, is the drained courage and energy. The 'fed-up' phenomenon. When a situation keeps rehearsing the occurrence and situations, and when a person decides to be heedless, and not just heedless but keeps themselves upgrading in that direction, and when you're already on the verge of losing your mind - 'For the greater good' doesn't seem like a very satisfactory answer. You know, you need to get out of it. Or it could kill. It certainly could.

Nobody could understand. Nobody. And nobody has the answer. A blind faith in the too-long believed the 'things will get better on their own', will take  a lot of time. And during this time, something greater could be lost, a loved one could be in grave danger. Should that be risked just to preserve the sense of otherwise fluctuating uprightness? Something needs to be done. Because endurance has met its quota for life. At least mine has.

Demented and Degrading

There's something changing in me. I dunno if that's a positive change or a negative one but it sure is disturbing and difficult to deal with. I am troubled. You know what they say, the more you age the wiser you become. I think, in my case, that's a total reverse.

I used to be this clear-visioned, bold, courageous, optimistic, hopeful and energized person. I knew what was to be done and how. Never in my life I found myself confused when it came to my actions, my role, my character even in the most trivial of circumstances and even that of others'. I knew the difference between the good and the bad guys. I never needed to be motivated. I was never scared of being wrong. I believed in giving things a try, and didn't worry about the consequences. To me, life has been a war, a 'now or never' thing, a 'do or die' situation. And hence, I didn't hesitate in being the 'now do-er'. My goal was to make the most out of the difficulties life spun towards me, if not all. Save whatever I could whenever storm would hit and never regret what was lost. I used to think that Allah intended it that way. And Allah loves me more than anyone in this whole wide world could. It was never my place to be held responsible for the losses or gains. They were the part of life, the circumstances, my taqdeer. And who has control over taqdeer? Allah has. So all my actions; good or bad would ultimately be authorized to Allah SWT's will. I didn't take any credit for doing any kindness neither I would die of guilt when I had been rude as long as 'all was well' because I believed that 'All's well that ends well'.

Now, my thinking is blurred. I don't know my place, my standing on things. I feel drained out of confidence and courage. Hopefulness and optimism seem no different than living in a fool's paradise. I am confused and delusional. Delusional of other people's intentions, giving them the benefit of doubt isn't always the right thing to do... and that's what I do. I find it easier to blame everything on myself than others but with my flame-throwing device (read: my tongue) taking misdirected shots at few others who I know will take my crap or are weaker than me. But in my heart, I know, it's me. And that's hauntingly disturbing, it feeds on my self-esteem. I fear being wrong and the consequences that could be perpetuated because of my faulty decisions. But these two are not the only things that scare me, I am scared of the 'process' of getting to an end, even if it's a happy ending. I don't have any energy left in me. I have lost my interest in few of the things that were the axis of my life. I don't get into the 'take the charge mode' even with a lot of excitation. What's more troubling is that with these few of my positive characteristic traits subsided, my follies have become more pronounced and adverse. Yes, I still have all of them and a few new ones have extended the list a little more. I am still the same impatient, easy-to-lose head, lazy, impulsive, disobedient,  idealistic kid. With time, I have crossed the danger ranges of procrastination and anger, so much so that I have become practically self-destructive. I have lost my focus. I am distracted too easily since I am not motivated to do things that I am supposed to do. Rather, I distract myself. Just recently, I have come to a realization that I am an utterly materialistic hypocrite and a selfish person, which is heart tearing. Since these are the things that I despise the most. But I am them. May be I have been that all my life and have been foolish enough to not being able to recognize myself. Which again is a core blunder since I have always thought of myself as a wise person which now I know, I am not. I have never been. Had I been, I hadn't been all this that I am now.

I am not happy with myself. Life has improved, things have changed a lot. Allah has given me a lot. And I have always found Him on my side, but I have lost my interest in playing this game. I have lost my interest in surviving or saving. I am a weak, lazy and selfish being. I dun love Him SWT. The problem is with me. 'I' am the problem with myself. How do I improve when I dun feel like improving? When I have no energy for that? How do I get out of this when I dun feel like putting any effort into nothing literally nothing in my life? I feel like letting myself  keep rolling down this bottomless pit of self-destruction of both worlds. Though, I am aware of the fact that I need to stop. Whether I will or I will not, I don't know. I just don't know.