Tuesday, October 14, 2014

For being so old, that is 24 this year, I act like someone not my age. Every single time, I feel like I have a grasp on phenomenons of thoughts and life, they refute me violently.

My understanding of human psyche is scarce. I don't get people. (I wonder if people get me at all) Because, I am not learning anymore. I am stagnant. I am stuck in a rut of sad intellectual apathy/laziness whatever. Organic or functional? Allahua'lam. Also, I used to believe the more open you're to people, the less ill will there tends to be, but my experiences have proven otherwise, I refuse to let people know me now. Because why should I? Instead, I want everyone who knows me to unlearn me, un-know me. And eventually forget me. Yeah, not interested in the re-learning part.

Someone very close to me says, "Push fear out of your life. Cowards never achieve anything." I listen and nod, nod and listen, not sure of how have I ended up in a place where people, who are pretty much stuck in a wrecked ship drowning in the element that they think has taken the charge of my life,  are telling me, a raging lioness to brave it up? Really? Something burns inside my chest, but my head remains clouded, with few angry clauses in capslock appearing in bold red font, but I push them aside, I cannot, I will not use my words on people I love. I will not use words especially against the people I love. With them, I will fall into silence. Being a passionate fan of frankness and correction with a filter though, I think that has slightly made me what I am not. But there are things we all do for love.

Silence, it's the remedy to all that's ill. It's one state which ensures you a regret free future mostly. But my silence is not a soothing, calm river. Mine is like...a magnificent oil painted picture of a volcano eruption, a storming dark ocean with lightening, rain and thunder but when you look at it, it's quite, and dumb. That's torture. Thought asphyxia, and again, when you have a lot of them then you don't really get to formulate them, refine them, simplify them. And the un-refined thoughts, which become talks at some point, are toxic.   

Fear? Fear of what? I am not afraid, I have only lost hope in the intellect of other human beings while being exposed to my own heedlessness. :P   
Again, I am going back to the basics, exploring possibilities and exemptions, limits and inhibitions. And again, I am tired. I feel demotivated. Reasons: unknown. What recent development, seemingly/supposedly positive, has taken place in my life is a tragedy in and of itself, whose repercussions I can feel in future. But still Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for Allah's help is right on time whenever it has been needed.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Excerpt from Yasmin Mogahed's 'Reclaim Your Heart'

No one likes to fall. And few people would ever choose to drown. But in struggling through the ocean of this life, sometimes it’s so hard not to let the world in. Sometimes the ocean does enter us. The dunya does seep into our hearts.

And like the water that breaks the boat, when dunya enters, it shatters our heart. It shatters the boat. Recently, I was reminded of what a broken boat looks like, of what happens when you let everything in. I was reminded because I saw someone, just like me, fall in love too much with this life and seek to be filled by the creation. So the ocean of dunya shattered her boat, as it had shattered mine, and she fell out into the water. But she stayed down too long, and didn’t know how to come back up or what to hold on to.

So she drowned.

If you allow dunya to own your heart, like the ocean that owns the boat, it will take over. You will sink down to the depths of the sea. You will touch the ocean floor. And you will feel as though you were at your lowest point. Entrapped by your sins and the love of this life, you will feel broken. Surrounded by darkness. That’s the amazing thing about the floor of the ocean. No light reaches it.

But, this dark place is not the end. Remember that the darkness of night precedes the dawn. And as long as your heart still beats, this is not the death of it. You don’t have to die here. Sometimes, the ocean floor is only a stop on the journey. And it is when you are at this lowest point, that you are faced with a choice. You can stay there at the bottom, until you drown. Or you can gather pearls and rise back up—stronger from the swim, and richer from the jewels.

If you seek Him, God can raise you up, and replace the darkness of the ocean, with the light of His sun. He can transform what was once your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, and a means of growth, purification and redemption. Know that transformation sometimes begins with a fall. So never curse the fall. The ground is where humility lives. Take it. Learn it. Breathe it in. And then come back stronger, humbler and more aware of your need for Him. Come back having seen your own nothingness and His greatness. Know that if you have seen that Reality, you have seen much. For the one who is truly deceived is the one who sees his own self—but not Him. Deprived is the one who has never witnessed his own desperate need for God. Reliant on his own means, he forgets that the means, his own soul, and everything else in existence are His creation.

Seek God to bring you back up, for when He does, He will rebuild your ship. The heart that you thought was forever damaged will be mended. What was shattered will be whole again. Know that only He can do this. Seek Him.

And when He saves you, beg forgiveness for the fall, feel remorse over it—but not despair. As Ibn ul Qayyim (ra) has said: “Satan rejoiced when Adam (peace be upon him) came out of Paradise, but he did not know that when a diver sinks into the sea, he collects pearls and then rises again.”

There is a powerful and amazing thing about tawbah (repentance) and turning back to Allah (swt). We are told that it is a polish for the heart. What’s amazing about a polish is that it doesn’t just clean. It makes the object that is polished even shinier than it was before it got dirty. If you come back to God, seek His forgiveness, and refocus your life and heart on Him, you have the potential to be even richer than if you’d never fallen at all. Sometimes falling and coming back up gives you wisdom and humility that you may never otherwise have had. Ibn ul Qayyim (ra) writes:

“One of the Salaf (Pious Predecessors) said: “Indeed a servant commits a sin by which he enters Paradise; and another does a good deed by which he enters the Fire.” It was asked: How is that? So he replied: “The one who committed the sin, constantly thinks about it; which causes him to fear it, regret it, weep over it and feel ashamed in front of his Lord—the Most High—due to it. He stands before Allah, broken-hearted and with his head lowered in humility. So this sin is more beneficial to him than doing many acts of obedience, since it caused him to have humility and humbleness—which leads to the servant’s happiness and success—to the extent that this sin becomes the cause for him entering Paradise. As for the doer of good, then he does not consider this good a favor from his Lord upon him. Rather, he becomes arrogant and amazed with himself, saying: I have achieved such and such, and such and such. So this further increases him in self-adulation, pride and arrogance—such that this becomes the cause for his destruction.”

Allah (swt) reminds us in the Qur’an to never lose hope. He says: “Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against their souls [by sinning], despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful,’” (39:53).

And so, this is a call to all those who have become enslaved by the tyranny of the self, imprisoned in the dungeon of the nafs (self) and desires. It is a call to all those who have entered the ocean of dunya, who have sunk into its depths, and become trapped by its crushing waves. Rise up. Rise up to the air, to the Real world above the prison of the ocean. Rise up to your freedom. Rise up and come back to life. Leave the death of your soul behind you. Your heart can still live and be stronger and purer than it ever was. Does not the polish of tawbah remake the heart even more beautiful than it was? Remove the veil you have sewn with your sins. Remove the veil between you and Life, between you and Freedom, between you and Light—between you and God. Remove the veil and rise up. Come back to yourself. Come back to where you began. Come back Home. Know that when all the other doors have shut in your face, there is One that is always open. Always. Seek it. Seek Him and He will guide you through the waves of the cruel ocean, into the mercy of the sun.

This world cannot break you—unless you give it permission. And it cannot own you unless you hand it the keys – unless you give it your heart. And so, if you have handed those keys to dunya for a while—take them back. This isn’t the End. You don’t have to die here. Reclaim your heart and place it with its rightful owner:

God.

(Excerpt from Reclaim Your Heart: http://www.amazon.com/Reclaim-Your-Heart-Yasmin-Mogahed/dp/0985751207)

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

Salaga-doola, menchika-boola, Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Put them together, and what have you got? Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Salaga-doola, menchika-boola, Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. It will do magic, believe it or not, Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Now, "Salagadoola" means, "A-Menchika-boola-roo," but the thingamabob, that does the job, is "Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo." 

By midnight, I turn into a whopping 24 year old with a brain aged quarter of my years spent on this planet called Earth.  I honestly have no plan from here on wards, as I, like all professional emo's, believed that I wouldn't survive to see this horrendous day. This has come off a bit as a shock.

Anyways, I am STILL here. Kyun? Kaai ko? Why? Chira? Neden? Only Allah subhana wata'ala  knows. And a'laihey tawakkaltu, SubhanAllah, Alhamdulillah, la ilaaha ilAllahukaber. My achievements, to this date, are not any different than an eight year old kid's, seriously. The only logical implication for this horrible reality could be that may be I was born with a mental understanding of someone aged -24? And hence developed thereof? Well. You never know.

My regrets though are more intense than those of a fellow specie turning 48 this year. I wish, if I could give the time of my life to someone who deserves living it, exactly like in that Justin Timberlake movie. Yeah, the one in which Olivia Wilde played his mother, she gave him 25 months of her life as a present on his birthday. I already know in whom I'd wanna invest.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Diagnosis - Ramadan 2012

The strangeness that realization of reality possesses, tends to leave us bewildered. Something exactly like that happened this Ramadan. The revealed reality proved to be lethal. Very uncomfortable. It's always easier to blame others for your lackings, and shortcomings. It's kind of motivating too, that you - a lovely innocent person gets tricked, and trapped by the heinous plots of cunning others. And that otherwise, you are all noble, and righteous. It pacifies. Makes you feel good about yourself.

But what one misses is that, yes, on one hand it may be providing you pseudo-emotional excess. But, let's not forget, it's 'pseudo'. On the other more concrete hand, this attitude delays the recognition of the real problem - the right diagnosis. And hence, thereof, your treatment regimen won't work.

I was unaware of that. For your eyes do not see what your mind does not know. And your mind remains blind if it has all bhusa, and no will. If your heart doesn't have a sincere desire, and the courage to face the reality. This is all very irrelevant.

How to make differential diagnosis? I had a glimpse of it this year, as I was free, and I have scholarly senior friends so I decided to attend their clinical rotation with them. I must tell you, it was the most interesting 30 minutes I've had this year uptill now, at school.

The patient had fever with chills, was dehydrated, and lethargic, I think (as I had missed the history taking and examination part) - I saw a very clear clinical picture. Of course, the differential diagnosis scenario was to be created. While I had already reached the diagnosis - the patient had Malaria! Why frickkin' waste any time on this? But the mentor wanted to teach the process. And she did that, not perfectly but well enough to have me interested. She started by making us brainstorm. We all rummaged through our scarce medical knowledge, picking up different symptoms that patient presented with, and their anatomical regions with possible pathologies. There was a list of differential that was to be considered. All possibilities to be entertained with care. Ruling them out, one by one was necessary. For a life matters. Our choices were crucial. They were to lay a more than significant role in the treatment that was to follow the diagnosis. Certainly, labs would prove confirmatory but the initial step, the diagnosis, was the most important one.

We did that, the whole session was full of learning, from a medical point of view. But I found it very fulfilling personally as well. I diagnosed myself with haste, impatience, naivety, lack of knowledge, irresponsibility, fear of the unseen, and an ever-continuous list of flaws. The list is still open, and things being put up. While, I am pushing, struggling, practicing hard, very hard, to rule out those of the less likely ones. Hopefully, my days aren't numbered.

Present Day, December 2013:

D/D continuous. Ruling out ability improving.
Treatment: 5 times prayers, and Tawakkal-ullah for life.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Here's a glimpse inside my head

I have always been proud of myself for my ability of entertaining multiple sets of  two opposing thoughts in my head at a time. I can still do it. Negativity Vs Positivity, Wrong Vs Right, Baatil Vs Haqq, Sadness Vs Happiness, Fear Vs. Hope. But it's killing me now. My unbiased-ness has been over-consumed.

Mental comments on a chronic acutely-severe event of my life:

Thought 1: Life could STILL be a lot worst.

Thought 2: It could be A LOT better too.

So I word this plea out loud: Ya Mugheethu! Astagheethu.! Aghathni! Aghathni Ya Mugheethu!

Sunday, November 3, 2013

We're all works in progress



Aashna apni haqeeqat say ho, ay dehqaan zara!
Dana tu, khaiti bhi tu, baraan bhi tu, hasil bhi tu,


Aah! Kiski justuju awaara rakhti hai tujhay?
Rah tu, raah-ro bhi tu, rahber bhi tu, manzil bhi tu!



Dekh aaker kucha-e-chaak-e-grebaan mein kabhi
Qais tu, Laila bhi tu, sehra bhi tu, mehmil bhi tu!


Bekhabar! Tu jauhar-e-aiena-e-ayyam hai!
Tu zamanay main khuda ka akhri paighaam hai!


Sunday, October 20, 2013

Operation: Let Go of World; Cardiac status: Still not void.

Need I say I have an eventful life? Only now it's in slow motion. Also, my Disengaging process is taking a little too long. I find myself STILL attached. To be accurately stated, the only thing(s) that mattered to me, in this whole wide world was/were Medicine. Okay, add family, and a few friends. I believed in myself.

My heart doesn't have a bigger than Bigger proportion of family in it now. And Medicine is out as well. Friends too are leaving one by one. Not physically but the amount of dependence and trust, yes, that's diminished. Surprisingly, I am not as sad as I should be. Stating the obvious, I feel like something very powerless and lonely but calm and protected. Is't depression, I ask myself. Answering that in all honesty, no, I don't think it's.